Healing
by LilyBolt
Summary: " 'Besides, I had it comin',' Dean said. Casually. Like it's nothing. Or perhaps even worse: like it's reasonable. " A slightly AU tag to the end of 11x03. No slash.


**WARNING: Spoilers for season 4 onward, but especially for 11x03 "The Bad Seed".**

 **Author's Note: This takes place as an AU (because 11x04 proved it didn't go like this) tag to the end of 11x03 "The Bad Seed". Specifically, this is directly attached to those last few moments of 11x03, in which Dean rejected the offer for Cas to heal him of his injuries after Castiel had beaten him up while under Rowena's attack-dog curse.  
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 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

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"Besides, I had it comin'," Dean said.

Casually. Like it's nothing.

Or perhaps even worse; like it's _reasonable_. As if allowing himself to suffer through the lingering pain of a severe beating was the _right_ thing for him to do.

Sam knew why Dean saw it that way. Glancing at Castiel, he could tell the angel had caught on as well.

It was obvious that Dean still harbored guilt over what he had done when he was at the peak of his rage due to the Mark of Cain's affects. After all, Dean had never been the type to take hurting his family lightly, and that he had so brutally attacked his best friend- almost chosen to _kill_ the angel- was bound to eat at him.

But Sam hadn't been expecting his brother to take his remorse to such a dangerous level where he welcomed physical pain like it was some sort of appropriate punishment. In fact, Sam was suspicious that the demonstration of twisted penance was only the tip of an iceberg. Because if Dean felt that upset with himself over what had happened with Cas, then what was he feeling over the rest of the things he had done under the Mark's influence?

Sam and Castiel traded worried looks, but before either of them could address the new issue, Dean grabbed his beer and his ice pack and announced, "I'm not as tired as I thought I'd be. I think I'll go see if I can dig up anything good on the Darkness."

He stood up and strode away from the map table, over toward the Bunker's library. Sam didn't doubt for an instant Dean could sense the concern that was brewing for him at the table, and was taking measures to avoid having to discuss the matter.

"Sam, we can't let him do this to himself. This kind of behavior... I don't think it's specific to his conflict with me," Castiel asserted in a hushed tone once Dean was seated in the library far enough away from them.

"I agree. He's always had a habit of beating himself up about things, but this is way too literal for my liking. We've gotta stop it before this gets out of hand," Sam readily concurred.

"How do you think should we approach him? Should we force the healing on him?" the angel suggested.

Sam was silent as he considered their options, all the while watching his brother flip through a giant book in the other room. It reminded him of the days they'd spent searching fruitlessly for a way to easily remove the Mark from Dean's arm. Dean would spend many sleepless hours skimming page after page of lore for information, sometimes using the task as an excuse to avoid the outside world for fear of what he might do in it.

Sometimes he'd used it as a way to escape thoughts of what he'd already done.

It was unsettling to see the elder man going down that same path in relation to the latest nightmare they were coping with; one which Dean had confessed he felt at least partially responsible for unleashing. It was suddenly very clear to Sam that his brother was determined to punish himself not just for what he had done to Cas, or even his actions while bearing Cain's Mark, but for _everything_. For the Mark, the Darkness, and everyone's misfortune in between.

Though it was true that they could always go with Cas's plan- heal first and hope Dean came to his senses about everything later- somehow Sam felt certain that wouldn't solve the core problem. If anything, it was likely to make Dean feel worse. Because unless he _believed_ he should be healed, then he would only feel guiltier for the alleviation of any part of his self-imposed suffering.

"I don't think it'll be that easy," Sam responded at last.

"Then what do you suggest?" Cas inquired.

"Just follow my lead," Sam instructed, and he got up from the map table to walk to the spot across the library where Dean was still buried in an ancient tome. Up close, his wounds looked terrible. His cheek and jaw were swollen, his lip and brow were barely scabbed, and hues of blue, purple, and yellow-green speckled the whole left side of his face.

Sam knocked on the edge of the table softly and said, "Hey, Dean?"

There was a long pause before the other man finally looked up from his research. "Yeah?" Dean asked.

Sam seized the opportunity to sit across from his brother while Cas stood at the table's end, watching.

"Guys, does it look like I'm throwing a party here?" Dean grumbled, lowering his ice pack and grabbing for his beer.

"No," Cas answered, and Dean rolled his eyes at the angel.

"Dean, listen to me," Sam began, and he could tell by the way his brother closed his eyes wearily that the elder man knew they were launching into the very conversation he'd run from minutes prior. Sam refused to be deterred, however. "I know you feel upset about everything that's happened lately, but you can't do this to yourself. You can't choose pain over health, or research over sleep. You can't carry this burden of responsibility alone, and you _shouldn't_. We all played some part in the disasters that happened, and we're all going to do our best to make it right. So please stop tormenting yourself, because that's not helping anybody. Not you, and not us. We care about you Dean, and we'd like for you to be in this with us, not on your own. But we especially don't want to see you torturing yourself in the process."

Dean kept his eyes closed and breathed deeply before opening them again and saying, "Yeah, you guys cared. And you all got crapped on for it! Everyone who tried to help me did. Char-," Dean paused briefly, stumbling over the name before regaining his composure and continuing on without mentioning the fumble, "Charlie was killed. And Cas, I beat the _shit_ out of you! You punched me a few times tonight, sure, but if you weren't an angel you'd be _dead_ from the way I went after you back then. Never mind the fact that I almost chose to _stab_ you. Speaking of which… Sam, what I could've done to you- I almost murdered my own little brother. I called you there to _execute_ you. So no, I'm not just gonna sit back and say, 'the Mark's gone, so everything's forgiven.' Not when I hurt so many people, and not when more people are in trouble because of everything I've done. You guys, the world… I owe _everyone_ my best effort to undo this mess, and I sure as hell don't deserve any coddling along the way."

At last Dean seemed to run out of words. He stopped speaking and stared intently at the open page of the book he'd been reading, his eyes not moving and his shoulders tense.

Castiel broke the silence. "How many times have you stuck your neck out for me, Dean?" he questioned calmly. Dean didn't say anything, so Cas continued, "Just earlier today you risked your life to preserve mine. You've done the same countless times before that. You have come to my aide even in my darkest hours. I became a false God and killed thousands- not to mention hurt both you _and_ Sam- yet you forgave me of my every discretion. Tell me Dean, why did you do that?"

Dean sighed. "That's different, Cas," he argued.

"Really? How?" Sam piped up, fixing his brother with a stare that clearly said, 'you know there's no winning this one'.

"I don't know. It just wasn't as bad, I guess?" Dean shot back exasperatedly.

Sam quickly stated, "Dude, we've all made some pretty big mistakes. Some not as bad as others, but we've still all broken the world at least once before, and that's enough don't you think? Cas screwed up with those Purgatory souls. And remember me and the whole 'I busted Lucifer out of his cage' thing? But you always forgive us when we screw up, so why can't we do the same for you? More to the point, you always tell us to forgive _ourselves_."

Dean huffed, "So I'm a hypocrite. Big whoop." He aggressively placed the ice pack back against his wounds and grimaced.

"Damnit Dean! That's not even what I'm trying to get at…" Sam groaned.

"Then what are you trying to say here, man?" Dean retorted.

"I guess what I'm saying is that if you valued yourself even a _fraction_ of the amount that we do, you'd be so much better off for it. But even though you don't- even though you're determined you should suffer- that's ok. Because that's what _we're_ here for. We'll always give you the support you deprive yourself of, just like you do for us. Hopefully you'll come to realize you _deserve_ that support, but until then the first step is for you to actually _let_ us help you. Please," Sam requested, staring pleadingly into the troubled eyes of his sibling.

Dean held the gaze for a moment until something shifted in his expression. His eyes, so hard and rueful a second before, seemed to soften. "Fine," he relented, setting the ice pack down again. "Cas, go ahead and medical mojo me," he commanded.

Cas wasted no time in reaching over to touch Dean's forehead with two fingers. In an instant, the bruising, scraping, and swelling vanished from the human's skin.

When the angel was finished, Dean stared down at what he'd been reading and sighed tiredly.

Slowly, he closed the book. It shut with a soft 'thud' that seemed to Sam a decent metaphor for the chapter ending in Dean's own life; perhaps the elder Winchester would no longer refuse the help and care his family offered to him.

"Are we good?" Sam asked after a beat of silence.

Dean glanced up at him, seeming on the verge of saying something important, when suddenly he smirked and said, "Does this mean I can get you guys to do other stuff for me, too? Like, we're almost out of beer. Who wants to run to the store?"

Castiel frowned slightly at the comment and Sam threw his brother a low-grade bitchface, but their irritation was just for show.

They had all understood that was Dean's way of saying 'thank you'.

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 **Secondary Author's Note: Thanks for reading! Please do leave feedback if you can. It's always appreciated. :D**


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